


Misleading Irony

by MarinLape (EvaraSilvaen)



Category: Original Work
Genre: Ariadne Myth, As the band Plasma Canvas once shouted I'M QUEER AS FUCK AND I WILL EAT YOU ALIVE, Death, Discussion of Abortion, Explicit Language, Fae & Fairies, Gen, It's not all bad things I promise I can be soft too, LGBTQ Themes, Mental Illness, Other, Poetry, Sensitive Ideologies, Suicidal Ideation, ask for additional tags, rape mention
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-24
Updated: 2020-07-24
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:07:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 36
Words: 3,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25477408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EvaraSilvaen/pseuds/MarinLape
Summary: Buckle up buttercups, there's a lifetime of nonsense to unpack here.Do not repost to another site.
Kudos: 1





	1. Chapter 1

I grew up on a diet of  
omission and a sense of hyper-vigilance  
gritting teeth and longing to be free  
but the older I get the more pretense drops away  
and the more I learn the less I can pretend  
Grabbing my own ropes  
Pulled under by truth  
being swallowed by blue skies  
and silence has never felt so good as  
walking away  
rather than wasting my time  
being purposefully misunderstood


	2. Chapter 2

My affections grew naturally  
I’ve never known fear  
except in the absence of you  
I’ve turned many verses on longing   
and heart hurt lies but  
I’ve only ever wrote love songs for you  
God strike me down  
I’ve only wrote love songs for you


	3. Chapter 3

I know  
intellectually  
that meaningful physical affection  
is a human need  
a necessity  
like food  
or air  
but living in a touchless desert  
holding hands feels like a drug  
and the aftermath  
Hurts  
and hurts  
and hurts

You can’t die from being touch starved  
but you might kill yourself from the hunger pangs


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh hey, anybody out there love the movie Labyrinth?

I keep dreaming about you  
and making things right again  
subconscious yearnings brought forth in early morning light  
sometimes bittersweet and strange  
sometimes all warm lights and dancing

You once said that “As the World Falls Down”   
was a descriptive song of me  
And I lashed out  
because damn if I don’t hate that song  
and all of it’s false promises

And yet here in my mind spin  
my own crystal dreams  
How you turn my world indeed,  
I may not live within you  
but damn my fool fucking heart  
You live within me


	5. Chapter 5

The madness comes,   
don’t let it touch you

easier said than done

Replacing ‘I’ and ‘me’ with ‘you’  
doesn’t change the fact that   
you’re shouting abuses  
that you would never bestow upon  
another soul

I feel unclean


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We'll be diving a shade darker here on in

There’s a cascading of light and sound before the edge of the cliff side becomes visible  
It’s the edge of many things that have been abused into metaphoric cliche   
hope   
love  
dreams  
They crumble, rust red and spinning through the void of memory  
or at least the pockets that hate could not consume

My valor is a paring knife I never learned to use  
and my mind more like a hacksaw that would rather rend my own bones   
than anything else  
I pretend fearlessness  
yet am anything but  
Anxiety claws and screams and who am I not to give in?

Depression and Mania steal my cunning, my strength, my wisdom  
and I am nothing  
again  
again  
again  
again  
Someday I might just jump off that cliff


	7. Chapter 7

I am everything I say I am  
and I say that I am nothing  
let me be nothing  
let this void in my chest  
my soul  
become just the same in this physical plane  
become just the same  
just the same

I’m not sure where I end  
and where the instability begins  
but I’m tired of teetering between minds  
let me be cast of gold   
or of night  
I don’t want to be both anymore  
There is danger in this disparity  
There is danger in me  
danger in me

I am everything I say I am  
and I say I am nothing  
absence too aches  
lacking too breaks the whole  
the support  
of a keystone chipped from the beginning  
fails it’s joined walls  
fails it’s purpose

I know very little beyond my sphere  
but I know that emotion, feeling  
should not feel like a toddler grasping a light switch  
light and dark  
on and off again  
There is no glory in suffering  
in senseless pain  
and I tire of this ripping, churning tide  
that fluctuates gaspingly   
between numbness   
and emotional overload   
seeming apathy  
and overwhelming grief  
are one in me

(in the night I fear I let them be)

So please forgive me

I am everything I say I am  
and I say that I am nothing  
let me be nothing  
let this void in my chest  
my soul  
become just the same in this physical plane  
become just the same  
just the same

I’m not sure where I end  
and where the instability begins  
but I’m tired of teetering between minds  
let me be cast of gold   
or of night  
I don’t want to be both anymore  
There is danger in this disparity  
There is danger in me  
danger in me


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> written in response to a friend 4/10/17

What are we even here for?  
Setting out on quests and finding that the projected endings   
Aren't what we thought they would be  
Don't have what we thought they would hold  
And meanings and 'meants' are things that we project upon ourselves...  
...sometimes falsely.  
Feel you a puppet?  
Cut the strings.  
Feel you a soulless husk?  
Burn it.  
Rebuild.  
This is not a failure.  
Rebuild in an image you love  
Or can come to love  
As paths wind, merge, and separate  
Who are you?  
Who do you want to be?  
Are you a musician?  
A teacher?  
An artist?  
All of these, or none, you are valued.  
You have worth by the simple grace of being.  
Even when wars of the mind say otherwise.  
Even when at your core you feel unseen, and abused by convenience.  
You will be scared.  
You will feel lonely.  
You do not have to be alone.  
Step out of your cage.  
Start slowly, be kind to yourself.  
You must crawl and walk before you fly (even birds go through such)  
Be open to Whats and Wheres   
They will find you.  
Try to be patient, your message will come.  
Keep an open mind, as definitions are not worth their perceived stability.  
Friends change and are not infallible. Sometimes there is no helping hand to pick you up.  
And in the silence you have to find yourself  
By yourself  
To find your thoughts and reasons why.  
If your mind is empty, fill it with earth for things to grow. Even barbed wire becomes frail with time and blooming vegetation.  
You are not unknowable, you can come to know yourself.  
And you will find why.  
And it might not justify the pain  
But it will make your next flight easier.  
It will make the next fall more bearable.


	9. 3.20.19

The reality of this sickness  
is that it makes you forget

but only those things that you love  
and only those things that you need  
and only those things that keep you breathing easily

The reality of this sickness  
is that you always look ok

You’re ok enough to work  
and ok enough to work  
and ok enough to work  
and ok enough to work

everything is fine  
i want to die  
this is normal  
i want to die  
everything is fine

this is the first time i’ve written in over a year  
and i hate every word

The reality of this sickness   
is that it will take everything away from you if you let it

The reality of this sickness  
is that the road is god damned   
and loathsomely long

The reality of this sickness  
is that every day is a struggle to take back   
what was always yours in the beginning

The reality of this sickness  
is no one will appreciate your lifelong struggle to live  
until you are dead


	10. Chapter 10

The cost of true love?  
What is the cost of true love?  
How long until one tires under the ceaseless hands of fate  
forever attempting to corrupt   
and to break such a love  
trials of fire never end  
and we are neither   
cupid nor psyche  
still i burn.


	11. Chapter 11

truth  
what is this poison that spouts from your lips  
sweet as rain, stagnant as spilled blood  
enthralling as it is terrifying

you make it so believable   
sometimes i swear it’s the truth

lie  
lie to me. Make it sound true.  
bring up things old and dead  
make those foibles young and new

you make it so believable  
sometimes I swear it’s the truth

and sometimes you make me so angry  
I swear I could kill you

truth.  
what is this poison that spouts from your lips?


	12. Chapter 12

I long for the hatred to pass  
and leave this barren land  
I wish for the blackest night  
where the stars will make their stand

I gather the lucky clover  
and put them in my book  
perhaps in some far flung future  
some stranger will pause for one last look

I tire of all my anger  
and all of my blind fear  
Ignorance has bred new dangers  
making bliss so insincere

I long for the hatred to pass  
and be banished from this barren land  
and damn those who forget those blackest nights  
forged by stars where others hid or ran


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another poem written for a friend, date unknown

I sing for the fire within me  
tho’ mournful the cries sometimes be  
I play for the light of the daytime  
to rejoice in the fact that we’re free  
I desire because I am human  
and my flaws compel me to need  
I love because I want love  
and all the things that love brings  
I have passion because I am driven  
and so must accept it or be thus consumed  
I have a soul, and so I feel  
and to feel is to be true  
I have a live because I live  
and thus must choose to be   
I have a heart because of experience  
the joys and pains of my fellows are forever with me  
I have pain because we’re flawed  
we bring pain to each other as our mortal lot  
And I have these points to prove a fact  
pivotal, yet overlooked and often lost

everything that is experienced is worth it’s cost


	14. Chapter 14

If I subscribed  
to Christian rule  
my greatest Sin would be  
Loving Lilith  
Far more than I ever loved Adam or his sons

My second greatest sin   
would be daring to be more  
than that which insignificant genitals assign me…  
…but who is counting?


	15. Chapter 15

If you aren’t mad you aren’t paying attention  
Wake up!  
Wake up!

You aren’t mad because it isn’t happening to you  
You are warm in your house  
Your water is clean  
and you and I are safe in our Whiteness  
Wake Up!  
Wake Up!  
You aren’t mad because it isn’t happening to you  
It could never happen to you  
You haven’t done anything to deserve what they’ve been given  
(neither have they)  
Wake Up!  
Everything you have been given was the luck of the draw  
Wake  
Up


	16. Chapter 16

You only want peace when it don’t apply to you  
You only want justice when we play by stilted rules  
The game’s in your favor, you’re just mad that we refuse  
to play at your peace, and allow your abuse


	17. Chapter 17

the greatest drawback of writing  
in this digital age  
is that there is no catharsis in the simple typing of ctrl+z

while burning old love letters  
high school poems  
old thoughts  
feels like cleansing shame

a relief, release  
as black ash curls away


	18. Chapter 18

When I think of pro-life  
I would like to think of   
the end of homelessness  
Of never worrying when   
your next meal will come  
Affordable education  
that leads to work that is fulfilling  
Healthcare that will fix what ails you   
without taking all of your life savings

But all that I can hear   
When I think of “pro-life”  
Is the static screech rage  
that comes with reading news lines  
of women dying from unviable pregnancies  
Of 11 year old girls  
who have already endured too much  
forced to bare what no one should  
Of men and churches and Institutions  
believing they have more claim over a uterus   
than the person that owns it

All life is not sacred  
when you could save a life  
that exists  
but refrain for that which is already dying  
on the chance it might live   
just a few moments out of the womb

All life is not sacred  
when you would have   
a scarred, scared child  
bare another child  
to assuage your Moral Purity

All life is not sacred  
when you hold being born   
more important than the quality of life  
that child and mother may have

By the reasoning of your own choices  
You’re not pro-life  
You never were


	19. Chapter 19

When your light is dim  
make more art  
When everything is grief  
make more art  
When life is a struggle  
make more art  
When you feel like you have no right to mourn  
make more art  
And make more art  
And make more art  
And keep making art  
Because it’s the best testament you could ever leave


	20. Chapter 20

Your passing has left a grief  
like a thousand paper cuts in salt  
I turn each day new  
and find again each way you filled my life  
and live again   
with loss  
loss  
loss  
no longer to sing to you  
to dance with you  
to leave the light on for you  
no longer   
to share things I brought home  
just because you loved them   
no longer

but

I’m still looking for you everywhere you used to be

(Good-bye Baby  
I love you   
I’ll see you later)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little over a year ago now, I lost my parrot bff of nearly twenty years to a respiratory infection. She was with me for over half my life, and was so much more than just a bird to me.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That rape/abortion tagging hits this chapter. Mind your triggers, skip out if you need to do so.  
> .  
> .  
> .  
> .  
> .  
> .

How many times will I see the headline  
‘Girl, 11, left pregnant after rape must keep baby…’  
How many times will dread curl in my gut  
and rage curl on my lips  
because men and religion are both coward and slave owner all at once  
What kind of person are you to think this is the moral high ground  
Blessed are the poor   
Blessed are the hungry  
Blessed are the suffering  
Blessed are the innocent little girls who got raped while god turned a blind eye  
and live with the consequences while godly men walk freely   
Little girls living through their traumas not once   
but twice  
because the idea of a child is more important to you  
than the one standing right before your goddamned eyes  
I spit in the face of your false god and His religion of suffering  
I spit in your goddamned face  
and the universe will know you for what you are


	22. 8/2/18

It’s a scream building in my throat  
never released  
It’s bees busy building   
under my skin  
Make my ignorance your gateway  
your threshold  
An ichor marketed as honey  
Both false and sweet  
Let us buy!  
Let us buy!  
So you can   
take  
And take  
And take

And every word you say is a new way to die


	23. Chapter 23

When I was a child  
I held little fear of storms  
Rain and Lightning were a delight

But now cold fear grows  
when the wind blows strong  
Even as the core of me whispers  
that I should be out there in the thick of it all

Be drenched  
Clothes skin stuck  
and spirit dancing

But these storms are not the same  
as those from my childhood  
And it feels like real danger lives in them now


	24. Chapter 24

If compassion were a currency  
Like the U.S. Dollar  
Where would we be?  
An act of compassion cannot be hoarded within a bank  
Cannot be bet upon in the stock exchanges  
Compassion only grows in the act of spending it  
You can only gain more by continuously giving it away  
without ever expecting to get it back


	25. A Call to Arms

Apathy is the ending of all things  
Not hate  
Not nuclear winter  
Not mass shootings and cultural genocide  
Apathy is the epidemic that will kill the human race  
For it allows the worst of us to flourish unchecked

Uncontested

Your brothers and sisters are being hunted  
Slaughtered or caged  
And you might not condone it  
And you might say that acts of hatred aren’t who you are  
But you still allow it to happen  
And every day you allow it to happen  
Is another day that you are complicit in the gravest sins  
and acts of violence that cannot be taken back

Rise up!  
Rise up and fight!

I want so badly to rage against this trap  
This corner we have let ourselves be edged into  
But to do everything I wish I could do,  
on my own, I will be just another body on the pile of so many dead  
And I wish to be more helpful than another Saints Damned Martyr

I have so much rage towards the enemies of Life  
These monsters with the faces of men  
Let us fight this systematic greed  
Let us fight the oppressors of our brothers  
Because we have let corporate oligarchy  
and false religious fervor rule us too long

Shake off your apathy  
Caring hurts  
The hurt is there to tell you that something is wrong  
Get mad about it  
Get active  
Rise up!


	26. Chapter 26

A billionaire cares for you in the same manner he cares for a lone ant  
So long as you reside outside of his domain   
He will let you live unencumbered  
He may even marvel at how much weight you can carry!  
But if you even dream of looking into his pantry  
If you have the audacity to pick through his crumbs!  
He will end you  
But even if he lays down poison   
He can’t kill all of us


	27. Chapter 27

Not everybody gets to be in love  
no matter what Hollywood might feed us  
There might be plenty of fish in the sea  
But sometimes none of those fish are for you  
or even good for you

And I have to believe that this is okay  
I have to believe that  
Because the alternative  
is the acknowledgement that there is something  
fundamentally wrong with me

because I have never been kissed by someone who meant to keep me  
Although I do desire to be held and kept


	28. Chapter 28

I saw skies blacken like the end of days  
Monsters dressed as men laugh in common people’s face  
And I cried “don’t you want to live?”  
And I cried “don’t you want to live?”  
Foolish fantasy it seems  
Profit is their only dream  
Let it die

The culmination of this rule  
An ill bred land of fools  
Poison in the water  
Poison in the land  
Poison in the people  
Poison on our hands  
In our lungs   
In our minds  
In our hearts  
In such desolation, where to start?

And I cried “don’t you want to live?”  
And I cried “don’t you want to live?”  
You scorch the earth til there’s nothing left to give  
Are we naught but parasites?  
Are we blind to our own plight?  
Running out of time


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For legal reasons, all talk of revolution is a joke and should not be taken literally :(:

There is no special hero to take on the corrupt government agents  
There is only   
you   
and me  
and them  
and us  
even as ill equipped as we are  
it is past time for revolution  
our opposition is remorseless  
so show them no remorse


	30. Chapter 30

Maybe I don’t want to be found  
Maybe I don’t want to be known  
Maybe I’d like to be reclaimed by the ground  
And eaten by the sea

Reduce me to the before  
Part and particle  
Stardust and ion  
The ringing sound of the void  
more comforting than any promise of eternity

Scatter me across the great nothingness  
The truest of sleeps


	31. Chapter 31

I don’t think anyone could handle me  
if I stopped catering to their sensibilities  
If I went as feral as I desire  
If I ascended into fire


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sing to the tune of your favorite folk song

The grass once was green and the forests lush  
The sky seemed so blue you could fall in  
The earth was in our care  
and the earth took care of us  
How could we all have forgot this?

And now we away  
away, away, away  
Now we away for our folly  
Now we away  
Til the damage is undone  
And who’s to say if we’ll come back again

We carved up the mountains, thrice damned parasites  
We burned forest empires, remorseless  
We poisoned sky and river without ever questioning  
And now we have the gall to be afraid and impotent

And now we’ll away  
away, away, away  
Now we’ll away for our folly  
Now we’ll away  
This is the prize we’ve won  
By greed, pride, apathy barred from eden


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was written after a school shooting a few years ago. I'm tired, y'all.

You can see the dark surrounds us  
and you shout your “thoughts and prayers”  
Though there’s logic to rebound us  
we fight warfare with warfare  
The plight of the young  
The feast of the rich  
The tears of the damned

This is not an elegy

I don’t have to imagine what a dystopia could be  
Because every day I awake and I see  
All this blood bought by corporo-political greed  
The plight of the young  
The feast of the rich  
The tears of the damned

This is not an elegy


	34. Chapter 34

The evening crawls across the shore  
the mundane crawl to their homes  
God Fearing

Faerie lights grow strong

Night makes it easier to believe  
such things as magic   
still exist  
and are as one with this world  
are not separate

The ‘thinning of veils’ was only ever heard of  
after Victorian days

Before, before-

We are not separate from spirit  
we are in it

Cut down faerie trees at your own risk  
Bean sídth cries foretell your doom

Young bride, young son  
Beware

Do not long to meet the Neighbors  
Do not long to meet the Fae

They long to take you far, far away


	35. Chapter 35

Dysphoria is a lovely word  
perhaps too lovely for this sea sick anxiety  
I look for the answer-

What is this malcontent?

And all I hear is

“Fear”

A thousand mundane horrors eat me alive  
The self is dull under the weight of it

I could sleep my life away  
And think it wiser than hopelessness

Perchance to dream myself awake


	36. Chapter 36

Asterion is trapped in the labyrinth  
Stars bound by flesh and earth  
and drawn forcibly towards insanity  
God slay the Queen   
and spare her this nightmare  
God send in the crows  
Crows for the King’s eyes  
Crows for poor Ariadne  
Her thread was not enough  
to save her from the labyrinth  
or man’s insatiable lust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I once thought I had patience and stamina enough to write a novel-esque Labyrinth/Fae/Greek Mythology fusion fanfic entitled 'The Last Ariadne'. It's still gathering metaphorical dust with it's whopping 2 chapters done. This poem was probably written during a research session. Maybe someday I will finish that story. I wouldn't hold my breath though...


End file.
